March 18, 2008
Are you with us?
So it turns out that Tom Cole and the NRCC need my help to win back the House and Senate. To that end, they have sent me the "official 2008 Congressional District Survey and [urged me] to participate in this historic project AT ONCE" [Emphasis in original]. Oh, and they also want lots of my money.
If political propaganda is an art form, this little gem of correspondence is a KarlRovian masterpiece. The letter is a breathtaking concerto of fear mongering and straw men, culminating in a melodious orgy of false dichotomies and appeals to emotion. The survey is also an excellent read, full of important questions whose answers will have a substantive influence on the Republican platform in this coming election. Most are non-leading, unbiased questions, along the lines of "Do you support the Liberal Demoncrats' plan to rape old ladies?".
Completing the survey is an important responsibility, since my "answers will represent ALL Republic constituents living within [my] Congressional District". Some people might be a bit surprised that the NRCC would pick a liberaltarian like me to represent the country's most conservative congressional district, but I totally saw it coming.
The multiple-choice options were a bit restrictive, and they forgot to provide any space for write-in answers, so I'm posting my responses online. Also, I have a high degree of confidence that if I mailed mine in, it would never make it past the temp's shredder.
- Do you feel voters in Utah's 3rd District support making all of the Bush tax cuts permanent?
Sure, most of them do. But these are also the people that would vote Bush in a 3rd time if they could, so I wouldn't put too much stock in their critical thinking skills.
- Do you support the House Democrats' "slow-bleed" strategy to "choke-off" funding for our troops in Iraq, leading to their withdrawal and a perception of American defeat?
Wow, just wow.
- Should Republicans continue fighting for full implementation of a ballistic missle defense system?
But you guys go do whatever the hell you want. Though I'm pretty sure it won't be a blip on your radar when gas hits $5/gallon this summer.
- Do voters in Utah's 3rd District agree with the Nancy Pelosi Democrat Majority's decision to impose massive tax hikes on the American people?
But they'd say no (same goes for #2).
- Do you think that House Republicans should continue to push for pro-growth policies that create jobs and oppose tax increases that would add a burden to working families and set back our economy?
Change "continue" to "start" and you've got yourself a definite "Yes, if I can have veto power".
- Do you support Congressional Republicans' efforts to decrease domestic government spending in order to reduce the national deficit?
Their current efforts? No, they are completely one-sided and are negated by our ridiculous defense spending abroad. Start cutting on both sides of the aisle, and then you've got my attention.
- Do you support the Democrats' effort to give federal government bureaucrats complete control of your health care costs and choices?
Mu, with No-ish tendencies.
- Should Republicans in Congress make expansion of Veterans' benefits a priority?
Wait, how'd that one get in there? That almost sounds like a serious question to me: "Support Our Troops" vs. "No Welfare, Dammit!". Though I guess for Republicons, Terruh trumps all. jon = fail.
- Do you support maintaining anti-terrorism laws that give law enforcement and intelligence agencies the far-reaching powers to track, detail and prosecute terrorists and their accomplices?
Ok, the question is a little vague, guys (intentionally, no doubt). FISA? Yes. Letters of Marque? Why not. USA PATRIOT ACT and signing statements? Hell no, bitches.
- Should Republicans in the House of Representatives make securing our nation's borders and enforcing out nation's immigration laws, including combating the hiring of illegal workers and ending the "catch and release" policy a top priority?
If it's not the gays destroying marriage or the Arabs hating our freedoms, then it's the Mexicans destroying our economy. If only there were some way to harness the awesome power of your irrational phobias, we could be completely energy independent... how about making that your priority numero uno?
- Do you think House Republicans should continue fighting for comprehensive education reform to ensure that every child in America receives a first-rate education?
Though it is an interesting idea. I mean, maybe you could pass an educational reform act, and its name could be something about including every child... Oh. Yeah. You'd better stop before you pass any more turds like that. Whatever happened to cutting domestic spending?
- Do you agree that winning back a Republic Majority in the House of Representatives is essential to stopping the Nancy Pelosi Democrats from raising our taxes, destroying our economy and endangering our homeland?
As for your three fears, 1. taxes will go up regardless 2. uh, read the news lately? we're already beyond screwed. 3. neither you nor they would do anything to change this much in either direction.
- Will you support our Party's campaign to defeat the Pelosi Democrats and elect a Republican House Majority in 2008 by joining the NRCC with a generous financial contribution today?
Damn, I don't even know how to respond to this one. $11 a pop just to fund the damn "survey"? I guess you've got some significant "overheads" to worry about.
Yes! I want to join the NRCC's effort to win back a House Majority, safeguard our values and principles, and keep America progressing towards a strong, prosperous and secure future. I am enclosing my most generous contribution of: I cannot pledge my support for this year, but I would like to include a contribution of $11 to help the NRCC fund this survey and its tabulation.